Given the propensity for shows of previous years to have certain technical problems causing delayed start times for the performances, I decided to bring some jokes to calm down expectant audiences and keep them “entertained” or at least distracted enough not to riot as they were patiently waiting for the show to start. Fortunately delayed starting times were not a real problem this year, but expectant crowds needed to be pacified nonetheless!

Throughout the evening, several of the shows characters would survey the crowd and engage audience members before the start of each show. Many felt The Mummy was particularly entertaining, and The Invisable Man sang a delightfully ghoulish version of Home On the Range (I believe his version was “Home In the Grave”) which I will gladly post if he sends me the lyrics. Not being a “monster” myself, however, and as a “human” perfectly capable of browsing the web beforehand, I was able to find a plethora of really bad monster jokes on the web. As I did not have the foresight to document which jokes came from which web sites, an apology in advance to all sites from which I blatantly stole these jokes (although most are so bad I’m sure no one would want to claim credit for them). Plus I actually thought up one or two myself, but no brownie points for guessing which ones.

I did not use all these jokes (some were too bad even for my taste), but again no prizes for guessing which ones. For a truly scary Hallowe’en experience, take a look at the following groaners.

Richard “Dr. Frankenstein” Baltin

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone Apetite.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.

When is it really bad luck to meet a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.

What do you call a friendly dead Egyptian?
A chummy mummy.

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
Lazy bones.

What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern?
A plumpkin

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What ‘s the favorite game at a ghosts' birthday party?
Hide and Shriek

How does a monster score a football touchdown?
He runs over the ghoul line.

What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.

What is Transylvania's national sport?
Drac Racing.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No Body.

What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.

What’s a ghost’s favorite means of transportation?
A scareplane.

What's the first thing ghosts do when they get in a car?
They boo-kle their seat belts.

Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work

What kind of business does a vampire run?
A fly-by-night operation.

What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House?
Home moaner’s insurance.

Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

What's a monster's favorite Shakespeare play?
Romeo and Ghouliet

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries.

What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends.

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds.

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone.

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets.

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure.

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone there was a goblin.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

Why do vampires make such bad policemen?
They hate stake-outs

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.

What do you call a monster in Scotland with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon?
A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.

Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
For drinking on the job.

Why do devious ghosts have a heard time getting girlfriends?
Because women see right through them.

Why do vampires make such bad policemen?
They hate steak outs.