Ebeneezer
Excuse me, Mr. Death?

Death
(waking up) Who goes there?

Ebeneezer
Ebeneezer Scurge, sir.   If I remember correctly, the Gates of Hell are directly behind your ribcage?   We were wondering if we could speak with the Devil.

Death
How come nobody ever comes to talk to me?    It’s always Lucifer this and Lucifer that!

Ebeneezer
Well, would you know anything about who committed a murder?

Death
That’s not my department.    I just pick up souls and drop them off at Heaven or Hell.

Ebeneezer
Well, then I guess we need to talk to the Devil!

Death
(Annoyed) Well, then I guess you’d better ring the bell, hadn’t you?

(Ebeneezer does and a t.v. comes on inside the gates.  The Devil appears on screen.)

The Devil
Hi.    This is the Devil.  I can’t come to the door right now because I’m golfing with St. Peter.   If you’re dropping off a damned soul, please use the night slot.

Ebeneezer
Well, that’s just great!

Death and The Devil’s Song

Death
Did you think Old Scratch would tell you?
Being helpful’s not his way.
He won’t give advice for nothing.
No, there’s always Hell to pay.

The Devil
Do you think that I can’t hear you
Just because I’m not around?
Mr. Skull thinks he’s important
‘Cause he plants them in the ground!

Death
These poor mortals thought you’d help them.

The Devil
I can’t do that right now, kid.

Death
Tell them who committed murder.

The Devil
As if anybody did.

Together
If you’re looking for the answers,
Then you’ve come to the wrong place.

Death
You won’t get them from old Horn Head.

The Devil
Or from Mr. Bony Face.

Together
And if that one gave an answer,
You can bet he would have lied.
‘Cause you’re asking the wrong question.
What you should ask is, “Who died?”

The Devil
(spoken) He does have a nice voice though. Now get lost!    I’m not here so you won’t be getting any red hots from me today!

Death
Next time you come, bring me some sweet tarts! (He begins to softly snore.)

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